Spam-B-Gone: How We Nuked Chinese Spam Without Nuking China

Look, I'm not one to mince words, and if you've been around these parts for a while, you know I've got about as much patience for spam as I do for people who put pineapple on pizza. (That's zero, for those keeping score at home.)

So let's talk about the elephant in the room - or should I say, the dragon. China. Land of great food, fascinating history, and apparently, an endless supply of spam emails. It's like they've got a national hobby of clogging up inboxes or something.

Now, I've been pulling my hair out over this for years. It's obvious that this isn't just some random Joe Schmoes sitting in their basements. We're talking organized operations here - whether it's state-sponsored shenanigans, ISPs making a quick buck on the side, or honest-to-god spam gangs. (Seriously, who wakes up and thinks, "You know what? I'm gonna join a spam gang today!")

The problem has always been that you can't just nuke all of China from orbit. I mean, sure, it'd solve the spam problem, but it'd also piss off a lot of people, including our awesome Chinese customers. And let's face it, I like making money more than I like pissing people off. Usually.

So for the longest time, we've been stuck. Blacklist China's IPs? Nope, that causes false positives SpamAssassin (uses Received headers not connecting IP). Block at the firewall? Say goodbye to our Chinese customers. It's been like trying to perform brain surgery with a sledgehammer - messy and ineffective.

But today, my friends, today we cracked the code. We've deployed a new spam filter that's so beautiful, it brings a tear to my eye. Here's the secret sauce:

If you're connecting from a Chinese IP, you've got two options:

  1. Be authenticated (one of our legit customers)
  2. Be on our whitelist (legit Chinese email services like qq.com)

Fail those checks? Get lost. No ifs, ands, or buts. No content filters, no DNS checks, just a big fat "NOPE" right to your face.

Why am I so damn proud of this? Because it's perfect. Zero false positives. Zero impact on our Chinese customers. Zero problems for anyone trying to email their Great Aunt Mei in Beijing. It's like we found the Holy Grail of spam filtering, and it tastes like sweet, sweet victory.

So to all you spammers out there in the Middle Kingdom: sorry, not sorry. Your precious IPs just became about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Enjoy trying to circumvent that, suckers.

And to everyone else: you're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go celebrate by not reading any spam emails. It's gonna be great.